life + stuff

I have waited for you.

Today I cleared out the drafts folder of my gmail account (woot!), and I found a draft I’d written to myself that began, “I want to have a baby so bad that I bust out crying… just about every day.” (So heartbreaking!) The draft was written 2 years ago, and it was all about how unfathomable it was to wait another 2.5 years to have a baby. It all seemed so impossible at the time.

Here we are, and that “unfathomable” time line was spot-on. I just want to go back and hug that girl who was wanting so badly. I want to promise her that her turn will come, and it will be worth the wait. I want her to know that the years did fly by, but more importantly, she had SO MUCH FUN over those 2 years.

I will not tell her that we still don’t have the credit cards paid off. Ha! Paying off the credit cards while your husband is in school full time is truly impossible. Laughable, even. Oh, naive Emily from May of 2012 😉

 

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life + stuff

Happy Spring

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DSC_0128Happy spring equinox!  We celebrated with a neighborhood walk this evening, soaking up the extra sunshine. And of course I had to run out into the garden to capture the golden hour light on the first day of spring.

Ahhh, spring, I’m so glad you’re here.

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Pregnancy

Ramblings at 13.5 weeks

I used to think of pregnancy as a thing that happened in months, e.g., you’re 3 months pregnant! Oh no, folks. Each week feels like such a freakin’ achievement that I’m counting in weeks… and half weeks. 13.5, baby!!! Give me a gold star!

I felt so great last week that I gleefully thought I was escaping the oppression of morning sickness and helloooooo second trimester! I went out to lunch on Saturday; I ate salad! I bought groceries that resembled normal food! I sewed curtains for the living room! And my body responded with a slap in the face Sunday morning: exhaustion and severe nausea that’s still going strong right now (Tuesday afternoon). I stayed home from work yesterday. That was good, because I ended up gagging while feeding the cats and subsequently puking in the kitchen sink. I went back to work today (there’s only so much x-files a girl can watch…) but regretted it. I spent the day gagging and dry heaving at my desk, interspersed with deep breathing and sternly telling myself that I absolutely could NOT puke: the office bathroom is much too far to make it if I do.

Oh, let’s record this for posterity too: after all-day nausea yesterday, I thought I could eat a semi-normal dinner. A grilled cheese, a little mashed avocado, some sweet potato rounds. Sounds good, right? NOPE. The food seemed to sit just at the back of my throat. I couldn’t go to bed because I was nauseous and felt like I needed to stay upright. I stayed on the couch until I was exhausted, then tried to go bed… but ended up sitting in bed, propped up on pillows, for over an hour more. That grilled cheese kept me awake well past midnight!

(I want to write this shit down because I hope that someday it will comfort someone else. Morning sickness really gets in your head.)

I am reading pregnancy blog posts and birth stories like its my job. It gets me through.

This afternoon, Scott asked me if he could pick anything up on the way home. Without hesitation, I asked for: Popsicles and gummy bears. And I mean the cheapie Popsicles, none of that real-fruit bullshit.

Last ramble for today: last Monday, I had my 12-week ultrasound. Seeing that sweet little profile made my heart melt into a great big puddle! The ultrasounds and hearing the heartbeat make it all feel real, and it gives me the energy to keep slogging through the morning sickness.

During the ultrasound, I asked the tech when we could find out the baby’s gender. She said, well let’s look right now! It’s still early, so I can’t say that I’m 100% confident in he result, but… she said it looks like a boy! She zoomed up in between the nugget’s little legs, and there sure did appear to be something there. I could see it too.

I was surprised to find myself thrown off by this news. I have thought all along that our nugget was a girl, and really I’ve been imagining a girl with Scott all these years we’ve been waiting. That would be 5 years ish of imagining a little girl. So it’s a mental adjustment, for sure! I wouldn’t say that I’m disappointed in any way whatsoever, but it’s definitely taking some time to wrap my mind around the idea. Our maybe baby boy.

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Pregnancy

I’m not supposed to eat that.

Before I was pregnant, I always cringed at the phrase, “I’m not supposed to eat that.” Like, c’mon lady, if you want it so bad that you have to bitch about it all the time, then JUST EAT IT. Eat your hot dog and shut up about it.

Allow me to humbly say: I get it now.

Hot dogs sound super disgusting to me right now, but I could go for all the forbidden cheeses. And some sushi, and let’s not forget: wine, beer, or a giant margarita. When I pause to think about it, though, it seems like such a small thing to give up. I’m a little wistful for a margarita, on a patio in warm weather, but it’s not hard to give up at all. That marg will be waiting for me in September 🙂

Oh, but let’s not pretend that I’m perfect. It’s totally easy to give up these forbidden foods 99.9% of the time, but I don’t feel bad about that .1% that’s slipped through:

A few weeks ago (before I started showing at all), I slowly sipped half a beer with my dinner. I figured it was my last chance to order a drink without being judged.

I ate real sushi one time, and it was delicious. It was from a place I trust to be fresh, where I have eaten many times before, so I just wasn’t worried about it. But since then, I figured out that I could hit that sushi craving with vegetable-only rolls. So that’s easy.

I ate a salad with feta the other day, just because I forgot it was verboten. I figure all the veggies did me good, though, so I’m not worried.

I ate deli turkey one time. My sandwich came from a busy shop, so I felt sure it would be freshly sliced. It was a delicious bright spot in a very long 2 months (and counting) of “morning” sickness, and I just find myself unable to feel guilty about it.

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