feeling human, almost

Last week, I wrote this long, cathartic post about how crappy I’ve been feeling, and how I was finally feeling better. And then I clicked Publish, and WordPress lost my post. And then, lest I get too excited about the “feeling better” stuff, I puked later that very same night. I still count myself lucky since that was the only time I’ve actually hurled… you know, so far.

I can’t really say I’m feeling all better. I have good days and bad days, sometimes in the same day. I think I’m starting to adjust, though. Part of my struggle for the first month was that I did not expect this part to be so hard. I did not expect to be so tired. I did not expect my brain to slow down to half its normal speed. I did not understand that most women are affected by “morning” sickness to some degree, so I had this unrealistic little idea that I would just keep eating paleo and it would keep me feeling fine. A lovely idea, right? Sounded great until I realized that simple carbs are the only thing I can stomach, no matter what I thought or planned for.

So it’s good days and bad days, or good moments and bad moments, and the best I can do is let this time pass. And eat crackers. And take a vitamin B6 supplement every day, in addition to my prenatal vitamin. It doesn’t bring back my appetite or make me feel 100%, but it has done a lot to keep the waves of nausea at a lower level. I’m extra-sure it’s working because the one day I forgot to take it, last Saturday, is the one day when I actually lost my dinner.

Another thing that was unexpected for me: all this nausea and exhaustion and hormone-roller-coaster-riding has really put a damper on my excitement. I would not have thought that was possible! I felt guilty about it at first, but I think it’s normal. I think it will pass.

One evening this past week, I turned to Scott in tears and said: I’m afraid I’ll never be myself again. I don’t feel like myself right now, and then when this part is over, I still won’t be me, I’ll be a mom-person. I don’t remember exactly what he said to comfort me, but he did comfort me and it did help, I remember that. Again, I think it’s normal to feel this way in the face of all these huge changes. It’s true that I won’t ever be the same again. I’m grieving the end of a part of my life: the end of being 28-year-old, married-no-kids Emily. But the seasons of life change, baby or no. Even without parenthood on the horizon, I still wouldn’t be the same exact person right now as I was 6 months ago. Change is life. Change is good. Some day, I’ll eat regular food again… and some day farther in the future, I’ll even sit on a patio with my husband and drink a margarita again! It will happen, some day. That’s all I really want.


  • Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are saving my life. Also bagels with cream cheese.
  • I have to be careful not to eat something too many times in a row, or suddenly my tastes will turn against it and I won’t be able to stomach it any more. Italian food, baked potatoes, ginger ale, macaroni and cheese, and chicken noodle soup are all in the banned category now.
  • Everything still smells terrible! Especially our refrigerator. I hold my breath when I open it.
  • I went to a yoga class on Saturday morning for the first time in weeks, and I’m so glad I went… even though it felt much harder than it “should have!”
  • Over the past few weeks, we’ve had something like 6 snow days. The timing was so, so good for me. Just about all I did was sleep.
  • We had our first doctor’s appointment last Monday, Feb. 10! But that will get its own post. It was so special.